If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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