you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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