Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
