i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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