Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
