I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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