it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
