If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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