You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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