this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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