So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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