i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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