Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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