I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
