I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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