she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
