Your face is a jimmy john
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
