i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
