Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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