I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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