Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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