Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
