The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
