I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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