omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
