I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I wear drunk well.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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