Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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