I think my fart just growled at me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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