i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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