he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
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Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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