I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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