just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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