im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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