Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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