I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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