my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
