I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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