It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
