I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
