if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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