I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
