woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
