having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
