Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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