Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
