I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
