Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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