Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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