I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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