I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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