Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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