he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
