my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
