cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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