He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
