This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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