I wanna bring you to show and tell
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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