My cat gives me a boner
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
